Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
