ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You pole danced in your parka.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
