I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
