explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
