new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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