dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
