im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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