Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
