I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
