I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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