I want to have your abortion
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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