not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
