Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
