yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
