Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
