I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
