Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
