I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
