I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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