Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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