You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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