I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
