I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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