Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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