pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
