thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
