We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm like, not good at living.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
