My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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