I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
