your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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