thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
