Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
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we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
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We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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