I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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