don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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