I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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