how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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