Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
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The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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