Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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