watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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