I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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