Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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