I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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