Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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