the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
