Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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