Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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