If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
