blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
