did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
