Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
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2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
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I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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