remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
