I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Four minutes until I can fart!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
