Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
