also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
