my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
