I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
