i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
