I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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