atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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