You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
